


A Hitch In The Plan

by DesertScribe



Category: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
Genre: Accidental Marriage, F/M, Fake Marriage - As Part of a Job, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-21 06:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16571108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertScribe/pseuds/DesertScribe
Summary: A scheme to catch a criminal has unintended consequences.





	A Hitch In The Plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Missy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/gifts).



It all started as so many of the wildly improbable events of the past few years of Socrates Poole's life did, with Brisco County, Jr., Lord Bowler, and a plan to capture a wanted criminal with a large bounty on his head. The plan had gone far more smoothly than anyone could have expected, right up until the moment that it didn't. By the time that things had noticeably gone awry, it was too late to do anything but improvise, just like always.

"Do you, James Lonefeather, also known as Lord Bowler, take this woman, Myra Simon, also known as Dixie Cousins, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live, until death do you part?"

Everyone in the packed church held their breath in anticipation.

Even Socrates, currently seated in one of the places of honor in the very front pew, held his breath, though he was among the select few who had been let in on the secret that this whole production was all a sham. It was a sham for a good cause, however, meant to capture Cuthbert Archer, that former member of John Bly's defunct but forever infamous Gang of Twelve, armed robber, murderer, escape artist, and master of camouflage who had recently disappeared from federal prison and was said to be seeking revenge on the men who had put him there, namely Brisco and Bowler. So far, all efforts to capture him had failed due to no one in law enforcement being able to find him. That should change soon, now that Brisco and Bowler were on the case. The famously unstoppable pair of bounty hunters had decided that if no one could find Cuthbert and he was personally gunning for the two of them anyway, then they wouldn't waste their time recreating everyone else's failed efforts and would instead make Cuthbert find them exactly where and when they wanted him to.

Seeing as how Cuthbert had always been known as the most vehemently anti-romantic member of John Bly's gang, a fake wedding seemed like the perfect trap to draw him out of hiding, and Dixie had been more than willing to step in and participate in the ruse. Bowler was one of the two bravest men Socrates knew (with Brisco being the other bravest, of course), but the fake wedding had been put together with enough attention to detail (during the preparations, Brisco had gone on and on about proper attention to set dressing, while Bowler had scoffed far more good-naturedly than he would have if directing it at anyone else and blamed it on Brisco taking that minor in theater back at Harvard, while Dixie announced that she always appreciated a man with a flair for the dramatic and that was why she liked the both of them) that it would be perfectly understandable for Bowler to suffer from a sudden case of cold feet that had nothing to do with a fear of risking life or limb to capture a dangerous fugitive.

 _That_ was why Socrates was holding his breath along with all the wedding guests who thought this was all real. It had nothing to do with him being a secret romantic at heart who was caught up in the drama of it all, not at all.

"I do," Bowler said, but only after Comet, who was acting as best man (or maybe best horse, there had been some arguments about the terminology which ultimately had been left unresolved due to the time constraints of needing to get everyone to the church in time to put their plan into action) let an irritated huff of breath out through his nose and nudged Bowler in the back to tell him that he had hesitated for longer than was polite.

"And do you," continued the man who was pretending to be the priest, "Myra Simon, also known as Dixie Cousins, take this man, James Lonefeather, also known as Lord Bowler, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live, until death do you part?"

"I do," Dixie said without any hesitation at all. She was staring up at Bowler with a look on her face that was half Mona Lisa and half cat who had gotten the canary, and Socrates knew that Dixie was a good actress, but he suspected she was not acting in that moment.

"Then by the power invested in me by God and the state of California, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." He closed the bible he had been holding throughout the proceedings. This produced a nice thump of finality to punctuate the end of the ceremony and also hid the quickly scribbled cheat sheet with all his lines he had been reading from.

Bowler smiled and tentatively leaned down to do exactly that, but then he hesitated halfway through and cast a questioning glance over Dixie's shoulder to Lenore Raymond, who was acting as maid of honor in the absence of Dolly Cousins, who had not been able to get to Hard Rock on such short notice.

"Oh, just kiss her, James," Lenore said with fond exasperation. She had been let in on the plan as soon as the town of Hard Rock had been suggested for the wedding venue, and she had been playing her role in the plan with gusto. "It's about time you found a woman who is willing to get up and follow you wherever you might be going when she gets tired of waiting for you to come back and can make you do the same for her. Don't mess things up now that you've just put a ring on her finger."

And so, with official mayoral and ex-girlfriend/still-friend permission publically granted, Bowler smiled in relief and finished leaning the rest of the way down to kiss Dixie, not that he had all that much choice in the matter by that point, because Dixie had gotten tired of waiting and reached up to gently pull him down by the tastefully subtle dark paisley silk tie as she rose up on tiptoes to meet him.

The crowd went wild with applause.

"Damn," Bowler breathed with a happy grin on his face when they finally parted for air.

"My thoughts exactly," Dixie purred, and they both leaned in for an even more enthusiastic round two without any further prompting.

Then the crowd went wild in an entirely different way as all hell broke loose thanks to Cuthbert Archer finally deciding it was time to make his presence known by attempting to kill the bride and groom.

"All marriages are pointless and inevitably end in tragedy, so I might as well help this one skip ahead to the interesting part!" he shouted as he swung in through the open window on a rope grasped in one hand, with a cocked six-shooter at the ready in the other.

Unfortunately for Cuthbert, his grand entrance did not produce the effect which he had been hoping for. Yes, there was some minor panic by some of the more skittish wedding guests, but at the same time, Brisco, who had been hidden up in the choir loft in anticipation of exactly that moment, shot the gun out of Cuthbert's hand before his feet even hit the floor, giving Dixie time to duck out of the way while Bowler punched Cuthbert in the face.

Cuthbert staggered backwards from the blow but somehow managed to stay standing. Realizing, that maybe his intended victims weren't as unprepared as he had thought, he ducked out of the way of a follow-up punch from Bowler and then immediately needed to jump to avoid a kick in the shins from Dixie. He tried to escape out the side door but was blocked by one thousand pounds of angry, rearing, flailing chestnut colored horse in a black bowtie. With the most convenient exit blocked, Cuthbert decided to take his chances forcing his way through the crowd of people who had started bolting for the back door at the first sign of trouble.

Less than half of the wedding guests had gotten up to run, while the rest had stayed to watch the fight, so Cuthbert might have had a chance of escaping. However, Socrates was able to make his own contribution to the fight by sticking out his foot and tripping the fleeing man as he ran past, sending Cuthbert crashing face first onto the floor. Dazed but still not yet down for the count, Cuthbert tried to get back up again. Before he had the chance, Bowler pinned him to the ground with a large foot (clad in one of a pair of highly polished black leather shoes purchased just for the occasion instead of his usual boots) planted firmly between his shoulder blades. By then, Brisco had run down from the choir loft and was able to hold Cuthbert at gunpoint while Dixie and Bowler expertly hogtied the man with some of the festively colored strips of lace and ribbons which had been festooned along the backs and sides of all the church pews as part of the wedding decorations.

"You may have thwarted my plan to kill you, but you've still doomed yourself, you fool," Cuthbert cackled maniacally from the floor. "Love is just another word for misery and marriage is just another word for emasculation! You'll see! Before you know it, you'll be beggi—"

"Shut up, before I decide to shut you up even more than I am right now," Bowler said, cutting off Cuthbert's rant by cramming a large wad of ribbons into the man's open mouth and then tying a gag of more ribbons over top to hold them in place.

"I don't think I've ever had to wrap my own wedding presents before," Dixie said as she tightened an elaborately frilly but no doubt very secure knot.

"Very fancy," Brisco said with approval. He holstered his pistol, having apparently decided that Cuthbert appeared to be restrained well enough to no longer be an immediate threat to anyone.

"You should see what I can do when I have more time to work and a package that isn't struggling so much," Dixie said, dusting off her hands and then offering them to the men on either side of her.

"Believe me, Dix," Brisco said, "I hope to." He took the hand offered to him, and Bowler took the other, and together in perfect unison they helped pull her to her feet.

"Wow," said the man who had been pretending to be a priest. He had done his best to keep himself between Mayor Raymond and any danger but he had otherwise tried to stay out of the way during the fight. Now he was staring at the scene before him with wide eyed wonder. "I've never performed any weddings that turned out quite like this one before." Then he broke into an eager grin. "Do you think this'll end up in the dime novels? I've always loved your adventures in those. It's why I said yes to all this in the first place."

"Wait," said Bowler suspiciously, "do you get called on to perform fake weddings a lot or something?"

"Oh," said the man, "was this supposed to be fake?" He looked disappointed.

"He ain't a real priest," Whip Morgan shouted from several pews behind Socrates, where he was still trying to disentangle himself from a surprisingly strong pair of elderly women wedding guests who weren't quite convinced that it was safe to stop using Whip as a human shield yet. "I asked you if you were a priest, and you said you weren't!"

"Oh, no, I'm absolutely not a priest, and I don't have any intention of ever becoming one," the man agreed. He pulled the folded tab of white paper out of his shirt collar and passed it to Comet, who obligingly disposed of the evidence of the impersonation by eating it. "However," the man said, fishing a yarmulke out of his pocket and putting it on his head, "I _am_ a rabbi and have been for almost thirty years."

"Are you saying we got married for real?" Bowler asked, sounding faintly panicked at the idea despite having just fought for his life with calm professionalism.

"It's only real if you want it to be real, Bowler," Brisco said. "I mean, it's not like you signed any legal paperwork or anything."

"This isn't one of those times where talking like a lawyer is a good thing, Brisco," Bowler growled. "Dixie and I both said, 'I do,' in a house of God, in front of a real man of God! Even if the details of exactly which God we were talking about might vary depending on who you ask, that's as real as it gets! That means the 'as long as you both shall live, until death do you part' part has to be real too." He didn't exactly sound unhappy to suddenly find himself married to Dixie for real more like shocked and worried.

"Oy," said Dixie, but she didn't disagree. She also didn't mention that divorce was a perfectly valid option which she had made use of in the past, but she might have been saving that line of persuasion for after Bowler had a little more time to cope with the shock.

Brisco looked between the two of them and, seeming to come to some silent decision, smiled and shrugged. "In that case," he said, "congratulations on your nuptials. I hope you make each other very happy." Then he stepped between Dixie and Bowler and threw an arm around each of their shoulders, Dixie on his right and Bowler on his left. He had to reach a little to get around Bowler's, but the height difference was not so much that he couldn't make it work.

"Wait, what?" Bowler said. He tried to shrug out from under Brisco's arm, but Brisco held firm. "What about you and Dixie?"

"Brisco and I like each other plenty, but getting married was never particularly high on either of our lists of priorities," Dixie said, slinging her own arm around Brisco so she could pat Bowler on the shoulder. The wedding ring which Bowler had placed on her finger only a few short minutes ago glinted in the light as she did so.

Brisco nodded in agreement.

"I like you plenty too, Bowler," Dixie continued, "and you strike me as someone who's been hoping to get married to someone someday but could never quite bring yourself to ask anyone, so why can't that someone be me?"

"Exactly," Brisco agreed, sounding surprisingly happy for someone whose longtime 'on again, off again' (but lately much more 'on' than not) lover had unexpectedly married his best friend.

Bowler cast a desperate look to Lenore, as if hoping that she would step in with a solution for the situation which no one other than him seemed to see as a problem or, failing that, at least talk Brisco and/or Dixie into being less strangely calm about this turn of events. There was no help to be had from that front.

"I meant what I said earlier," Lenore said, "and I haven't known Miss Cousins for very long—or should that Mrs. Lonefeather now?" she interrupted herself by asking.

"I'll always keep Dixie Cousins as my stage name, because maintaining the audience's brand awareness is important, but it might be fun to use Myra Lonefeather for special occasions. You, however, would do me a great honor if you called me Dixie, Mayor Raymond."

"I will with pleasure, Dixie, if you'll agree to call me Lenore."

"Certainly, Lenore," Dixie said, smiling. She offered her free hand, and the two women sealed their agreement with a handshake.

"As I was saying, James," Lenore continued, getting back to her original train of thought, "I haven't known Dixie very long, but she seems like the kind of woman who's more willing and able to keep up with you and your life than I ever was, so I'm happy for the both of you if you both are happy for yourselves."

Bowler cast his eyes around, clearly hoping somebody nearby would step in and say something that made sense.

There were fewer people to seek assistance from than there had been not so very long ago, because Whip, who had finally managed to shake off the clingy wedding guests, and a few of their other friends had taken the opportunity to start quietly ushering the remaining wedding guests out of the church to give the main participants some privacy to hash out exactly what it was that they had just participated in.

His gaze fell on Comet, who repeated the same irritated huff of breath and nudge he had given when Bowler had been taking too long during the vows, which Bowler clearly considered to be less helpful the second time around.

From his place on the floor, Cuthbert Archer mumbled something unintelligible but obviously not polite or helpful through his gag. Everyone ignored him.

Bowler kept searching. His gaze fell on Socrates.

Socrates had always felt that a situation must have been truly desperate if anyone was turning to him for help in any matter other than legal counsel. He was more inclined to share Brisco's interpretation of the legally nonbinding nature of the ceremony, but he wisely kept his mouth shut on the matter. All he could do was offer up a shrug to Bowler which he hoped adequately communicated his own confusion at the situation and general supportiveness to Bowler's plight.

"I'm happy if you're happy, Bowler," Dixie said.

"I would be happy. Just about any sane man alive would consider himself lucky to marry a woman like you, Dixie. Heck, probably a lot of dead ones would too, just because you're that great," Bowler said, "but what about you and Brisco?"

"You already asked that," Brisco said.

"Well then what about me and you?" Bowler demanded, with an edge of desperation in his voice.

"Yeah, Bowler, _what about us_?" There was something strange in the way Brisco stressed the different words.

To Socrates, it sounded like all those times in the field when Brisco was trying to secretly clue them in on some ploy he was about to attempt without alerting anyone else around them to that same information. Socrates was never any good at figuring out what Brisco meant in those situations until the plan was already in motion, and it looked like this time was going to be no different. However, it looked like Dixie already understood whatever Brisco was implying and Bowler was catching up fast.

"Huh," Bowler said after an initial look of surprise and then a moment to let the thought sink in. "So then nothing really has to change at all, does it? Aside from the whole Dixie and I being married part," he added with a mock scowl (or at least a semi-mock scowl) when Brisco looked like he was about to make a comment on the obvious.

"Until death do we part," Dixie said. Her hand was still on Bowler's shoulder, and now she raised one finger and gently brushed against Bowler's neck with it. Bowler subtly leaned into the touch, his attempt at a scowl instantly disappearing to be replaced by a grin.

"Yeah, until death do we part," Bowler said, sounding confident now. He threw his arm around Brisco and rested his hand on Dixie's shoulder in a mirror image of what she had done to him.

Dixie turned her head and planted a kiss on Bowler's fingers as well as she could from that angle.

"Great," Brisco said happily, looking back and forth between Dixie and Bowler and still not letting go of his hold on either of them. "Now that that's all taken care of, let's get to the reception before the cake's all gone."

"That's probably the best idea anyone's had all day," Dixie said as she allowed herself to be led out of the church. Almost as an afterthought, she threw her bouquet over her shoulder as she went.

It landed directly in Socrates's lap. He fumbled it in surprise and ended up only holding half of it as Comet snatched the rest out of his grasp. He considered protesting the theft, but decided there wasn't any point. It wasn't as if he had any desire to get married anytime soon, and Comet had more use for the flowers than he did anyway. He offered the flowers still in his hands to Comet, but Comet graciously declined while happily chewing the half already in his possession.

"Why do I feel like I missed something important going on with all that?" Whip asked as he rejoined the group at the front of the church and bent down to haul Cuthbert off the floor, having apparently decided that the last few wedding guests could find their own way out.

"I dunno," Sheriff Aaron Viva said as he too rejoined them, "but I got the same feelin'. What's most important right now, though, is that, Cuthbert Archer, you're under arrest for attempted murder, disturbing the peace, and all that other stuff they locked you up for the first time around. You're coming with me." And then he and Whip dragged their prisoner out of the church and off to the town jail.

"I kind of feel like I might have missed something too," Lenore said, "but I also feel like it probably isn't my place to pry."

"I feel exactly the same way, on all counts," Socrates said.

Comet tossed his head and whinnied around a mouthful of flower stems.

"Comet!" Socrates exclaimed in scandalized shock. There were times when he regretted having spent enough time around that horse to be able to start understanding what he said, and he was downright appalled that Comet would just come right out and say what he had, regardless of whether Socrates was the only one left in the room who could understand him. However, that little bit of exposition Comet had shared certainly made Socrates see the previous conversation in a whole new light. Knowing what he did now, he silently wished Brisco, Bowler, and Dixie the best of luck in their relationship.

Lenore and the rabbi looked questioningly to Socrates, but Socrates decided this was one of those moments where discretion was the better part of valor and, hoping that he was not blushing too much as he did so, declined to translate what Comet had just told him, because they were still, as Bowler had pointed out, in a house of God with a man of God, even if those two parts were a little mismatched.

And now that he took the time to look around some more, Socrates noticed that he, Lenore, the rabbi, and Comet were the only people left in the church. Everyone else had already gone, either heading to the reception, which had been planned just in case Cuthbert hadn't made himself known at the actual wedding, or running to share the gossip of what had just happened with the few people of Hard Rock who had not been present to witness it for themselves.

"Whatever else is true," Socrates said, "I think Brisco had the right idea about one thing. Let's get to the reception before the cake is all gone." He cocked an elbow and offered it to Lenore as gallantly as he could.

"Very true," she agreed. She accepted Socrates's offered arm with one hand and a level of grace high enough to retroactively render Socrates's gesture less awkward than he felt that it had been. She offered her other to the rabbi. "By my calculation," she said, "we only have a few minutes before Aaron finishes booking that man into the jail. After that point, if we want any cake, we're going to have to fight for it."

"There's been enough fighting for one day," said the rabbi.

"My thoughts exactly," Lenore said. And the three of them left the church arm in arm, with Comet following close behind, still chewing on the remains of his half of the bouquet.


End file.
